I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
