I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
