I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
