What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
