omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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