my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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