K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
