I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
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You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
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Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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