Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
