she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
