You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
