when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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