my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
