I think I died a long time ago.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
