I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
