And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
