I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
