I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
