Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
