I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
