somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
