so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
