I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
