I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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