weddingsv make me drug and hornr
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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