can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
