Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
