Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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