I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
