I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
