So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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