I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i think we sleep fucked last night...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
