Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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