party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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