I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
