I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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