I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
