I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
