i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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