So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
