you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
