May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
