We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
farters have to be the big spoon...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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