I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
