this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
