please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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