my mouth tastes like poor choices
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
