Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
