I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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