And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
