mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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