you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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