Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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