You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
