If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
