escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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