it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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