i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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